Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Reality Check

Had a bit of a reality check today - really looking forward to Lee-Anne and Matt's wedding in late November/early December, and everything says I should be AT my goal by then, but I'm already terrified of what I'm going to wear. Instant reaction is to go for something black and frumpy to 'cover up', but I know I shouldn't be doing that. Every wedding I've ever been to, I've been the one looking at all the beautiful girls with the pretty dresses, wishing that was me. If or rather when I hit my goal, that should be me too, yet I'm already thinking, 'no it won't suit me, I can't wear that' and so on. I think my demons are already creeping back in and stopping me from seeing the changes that must and are already occuring, because I've lost 8 inches off my waist, and clothes that did used to fit are falling off now - I just can't see the change as much as other's in the mirror, or in photo's - but this stage must come, and this is part of the reason for me writing this blog more now than ever, so that I can know myself that the weight is coming off. I'm 2 1/4lbs from losing 4 1/2 stone - to some people that is incredible - yet to me, it is just the start - that sounds crazy, even to me, it's like I have two people in me, one saying you've done well, be proud! and the other saying, you're not there, if you feel 'proud' of yourself then you might give in, you might not get there, so you can't be proud in case you then don't get to goal...hhmmm maybe that's it - maybe that is the cracking point? Maybe if I do accept the fact that 4 1/2 stone is a lot to have lost and be proud of myself now, I am just scared of not getting any further, and so being 'proud' of myself is like admitting I can't do anymore? I won't be able to go on and hit my goal, and ultimately that is my worst fear. To never see 10st 1 on the scales of a healthy BMI is terrifying to me, and then to never get under that to have a few lbs to be able to fluctuate with that scares me too.
Perhaps I've had a bit of a break through today.
Food for thought I guess for me to ponder on.


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