Wednesday, 27 May 2009

It got worse...

Well after last weeks W.I. thinking that around the 2lb mark wasn't good enough...I only lost 1/2lb this week! Absolutely distraught with that loss as I have followed the diet to the letter, had all my water etc, so I really don't know what has gone on there!

Felt very down Monday night, but started back on Tuesday morning with renewed confidence and will power (not that I gave in Monday or cheated because I didn't, I just felt very down about it all)
So anyway, now I'm back, I took a couple of Senna tablets last night to try and clear my system on CDC's advice as haven't 'been' for at least a few days now, then I'm going to start on Fybogel but possibly looking into Psyllium Husks as they are more natural.

I've also cut right down on the bars this week. I've bought 3, but intend to only eat 2 of them this week, to see if this makes a difference to my weight loss, I ate one on Monday night, and will probably eat the other one on Thursday, although if I could eat only one this week, then that would be even better!

My aim this week (I don't usually make aims but I think I need to!) is 3lbs, I don't think that's too much to ask for, but I really think I need a big loss this week as I am working sooo hard to get the weight shifted and to lose 3lbs after only 1/2lb this week would make me feel very very happy, and would take me down to 12 stone 4, and just so much closer to being in the 11's, which for me is a huugggge goal... I really want to be in the 11's ASAP!

I only have 6 weigh in's until mum and dad's anniversary meal and if I could average a 2 1/2lb loss a week I would be happy - that would take me down to 11 stone 6...and would be great to be in the middle of the 11's and heading down towards the 10' scary to think I could even get there, as right now, the 11's and the 10's still feel soooo far away! x

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Not enjoying this week

Lost 1 3/4lbs at weigh in AGAIN this week - no inches or anything, so again another v slow loss - it seems to be the way for me at the moment, which is quite disheartening in a lot of ways.

Have also come down with a nasty throat/cold now, and Alex has Croup! Not been much fun, and have tried to avoid what I can, but have decided to have soothers just to help my throat as it feels like glass at the moment.

Other problem is my stomach has swollen up from being soo bloated, I look about 6 months pregnant! and definately not! It's looking to be a rubbish W.I. again this week - have been following SS+ but just not getting good big results at the minute and soo wish I was, I really need to get down into the 11's and then the 10's ASAP, to start the Maintenance programme's properly. I think I will stick with SS+ until I get to 11 stone now and then go up to 810 from there, and then work my way up the plans, as SS I think may be too restrictive now, and I think my body and probably my mind needs the work of the food now to start overcoming the issues involved. So as of last weeks weight, of 12 stone 7 1/2 I have to lose another 21 1/2lbs before I start going up the plans towards Maintenance...hhmmm at the rate I'm losing weight that could be another 10/11 weeks (potentially 3rd August) even though I really want to have a week of 1000 before then with my mum's anniversary in July...hhmmm Ohhh I really need this weight loss to speed up again, 2lbs a week is not good enough x

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Mixed Weekend

Well it's been a busy weekend for me.
Yesterday, had my pamper day with my mum, which was lovely, spent the morning using the gym, swimming pool, jacuzzi, sauna etc, had a small lunch out - which turned out the chicken wasn't cooked (suffered today - not good) Came back in the afternoon and had back, neck and shoulder massage, facial and hot wax eyebrows - was absolutely heaven! Really relaxed and enjoyed!
The first time me and mum have been out on our own in a long while, probably since I was pregnant with Alex!

Today, wasn't so nice - not just because of the uncooked chicken!

We did manage to find a nice spot to do Steve (uncle's) ashes, and that was ok, although weather was horrible, but just a sad day in general. Always upsets me seeing my grandparents and mum being upset, but I'm glad it's done if that makes sense.

On the plus side, I had lots of nice comments from people saying how much weight I had lost, as I haven't seen most of them for quite a while, and some since Xmas, so for some it's the full 4 1/2 stone that I've lost since seeing them. Just getting very nervous about W.I. tomorrow now.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Reality Check

Had a bit of a reality check today - really looking forward to Lee-Anne and Matt's wedding in late November/early December, and everything says I should be AT my goal by then, but I'm already terrified of what I'm going to wear. Instant reaction is to go for something black and frumpy to 'cover up', but I know I shouldn't be doing that. Every wedding I've ever been to, I've been the one looking at all the beautiful girls with the pretty dresses, wishing that was me. If or rather when I hit my goal, that should be me too, yet I'm already thinking, 'no it won't suit me, I can't wear that' and so on. I think my demons are already creeping back in and stopping me from seeing the changes that must and are already occuring, because I've lost 8 inches off my waist, and clothes that did used to fit are falling off now - I just can't see the change as much as other's in the mirror, or in photo's - but this stage must come, and this is part of the reason for me writing this blog more now than ever, so that I can know myself that the weight is coming off. I'm 2 1/4lbs from losing 4 1/2 stone - to some people that is incredible - yet to me, it is just the start - that sounds crazy, even to me, it's like I have two people in me, one saying you've done well, be proud! and the other saying, you're not there, if you feel 'proud' of yourself then you might give in, you might not get there, so you can't be proud in case you then don't get to goal...hhmmm maybe that's it - maybe that is the cracking point? Maybe if I do accept the fact that 4 1/2 stone is a lot to have lost and be proud of myself now, I am just scared of not getting any further, and so being 'proud' of myself is like admitting I can't do anymore? I won't be able to go on and hit my goal, and ultimately that is my worst fear. To never see 10st 1 on the scales of a healthy BMI is terrifying to me, and then to never get under that to have a few lbs to be able to fluctuate with that scares me too.
Perhaps I've had a bit of a break through today.
Food for thought I guess for me to ponder on.


Monday, 11 May 2009

weigh in :)

Well after all my panicking this week, I managed to lose 3 1/4lbs and I'm now down to 12 stone 9 1/4lbs - and lost 1 1/4 inches off my waist, making it a 33 1/2 inch waist down from 41 inches! Pretty ok.

Plan for this week an 810 meal for tonight, SS Tues - Thurs, then 810 Friday and Saturday for the Gym workout on Saturday with the Pamper Day (looking forward to but will miss my boys) and the SS on Sunday before WI on Monday. Hoping for a 2 1/2lb week this week, taking me to just under 12 st 7 and then heading down after that to under 12 stone and into the 11's...ok one goal at a time! one week at a time!

Another D -Day for scales

Well another Monday morning has arrived, and I must do my Assignment today - the motivation really isn't there today though, and it's just GOT to be now, but my mind is already set on 'THE' scales tonight. I would so love it to be 2lbs + after switching from 810 back down to Sole Source on Friday.

The strange thing is, I'm sat here watching This Morning, and on the total opposite scale to me, is a 5ft 9 girl, who is on Britains Next Top Model, and at her lightest she was 6 1/2 stone - she is now only just over 7 stone - all I can think is ouch! It's amazing that in this world, there can only be very very few people who are actually comfortable with their weight. So many of us battling to get slim, so many of us battling to get a little bigger - will there ever be a 'normal/comfortable' weight for me? Will I get to 9 stone 10, and think yes I look good now? Will people around me agree? If they do/don't will that affect me? I'm beginning to think for the next 3 stone I really do need to work on my own personal issues with my weight and everything surrounding it, and build on my confidence a lot more, so that when I do reach my personal figures, I can hopefully stop and feel happy in what I have achieved. 4 stone down so far is good, and I should feel happy, and I know some people around me are, but I can also tell some other's aren't and that affects me still, and it shouldn't because I'm getting healthy for me, for my family, and to be happy/healthy/feel confident for me and them, and not for anyone else or to be approved by anyone else....I just have to work on all this.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Back to Sole Source

Well after 11 days of doing 810, I'm back to sole source now, I've been on it for 3 days, back to the headaches and keto breath today, so I think the Ketosis is slowly beginning to kick in again. Scales were hardly moving, actually they were going up on Friday (arrrhhhh!!!) so made the decision for me to go back down the plans, as I'm not ready for the slow losses yet!
Last week I weighed in at 12 stone 12 1/2, which I haven't done since sometime in 2005, I remember it as I had a depo injection at that weight - and that's when the weight started to plummet on!

Chris's sister Lee-Anne got engaged last weekend, so popped in to see her, his mum etc today. Lee-Anne is planning to have a late November/early December wedding, and I really really want to be able to, for the first time in a long time, wear something nice, and be at goal, and maintaining by then! I would love to be at goal and maintaining by my Birthday but with the losses really having slowed down now, I just can't see it happening :-( I really want to feel like a 'normal' 22 year old (coming onto 23 year old) again and get back to a 'normal' weight range. I hate being overweight, and even more so being labelled as 'obese'. I know being 'overweight' is my fault, but the obese problem was started from the depo injections, plus steroids, and having Polycystic Ovaries doesn't help the situation aswell.

It's nice to have some people finally noticing the weight is coming off now, and seeing that I am determined to have the weight come off, and more importantly stay off, but I do feel that for some people I will never get the comment that perhaps I would like, but I have to be happy that my family are standing by me, and Chris is my rock. Without him, would I have got this far? I don't know - I would like to think I have the strength to do this on my own or with him, but he really is a great motivator without being in anyway pushy.

Well, it's weigh in day tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it, but I just hope that it may be lbs down rather than up.

I also want the inches to keep going down, as the sizes in clothes don't seem to be dropping very quickly either.

Friday, 8 May 2009

The Start of May - and Slow Down

Well it's now May 8th, and my weight is realy slowing down, which isn't great, but I'm achieving things bit by bit, I'm finally in the 12 stone mark! wooohooo ! I finally weighed in on Monday at 12 stone 12 1/2 and a 34 3/4 inch waist (down from 41 inch at the beginning). The losses have really slowed down, this is the only problem, Tracey put me up to 810 last week, after only losing 1 3/4lbs but I lost the same this week, which isn't good...could really have lost the same on WW and I still have 3 stone to lose...I've done another 810 week this week, but after standing on the scales this morning and them moving 1/2lb UP!! I am going back down to sole source today. It is TOTM and that no doubt isn't helping, but I know these small losses are not helping me, and I really want to speed them up again. I will go back to 810 or ss+ maybe when I touch the 10 Stone 13 Mark and so have a lot less to lose at that point.

My nan worries about the 'not eating' aspect of the diet, and panics I'll end up anorexic or something silly, but I love my food, and have really enjoyed eating 810, but I really need to get to goal in the quickest way possible, my bank account cannot afford for me to take very long to get there, and if it goes on at under 2lbs a week, then I won't be able to afford to complete the Cambridge Diet, and I'm then terrified of not being able to complete the maintenance stages and putting it on - my absolute dread of this whole process. My mind is in the right place still, I just want to shift the next few stone and see the rest of the changes to get to goal.

On another shift to things, Chris's job comes up for review in September (hence the money worry) and the closer it gets the more I am beginning to worry, I wish we had money to save to put away, but we just don't, and this is more the reason, I have only one chance to get the Cambridge Diet right, and get it done, for good, and eat healthy for life. I really want him to keep his job more than anything right now but with 19,000 jobs going it's such a big big worry.

Anyway I'm going to try to upload a before and now photo (the before photo wasn't quite at my biggest, it was probably around the 16 stone ish mark)